בימת אורח – יוסף הלפר

       What does a respectable bookseller do with pornographic DVDs that find their way into his store? Well, if you are a nice guy who likes helping others, as well as taking stupid risks, you offer them to a devout Muslim acquaintance and then watch what happens! (I would have kept the porn for myself, but as it happens they weren't to my exacting standards in erotica. I also don't like catering to perverts in my bespoke establishment. )

      
It happened like this: as I was pondering what to do with the dvds, in walks Ismael, a devout Muslim who works next door at an importing firm. I offered him the dvds, phrasing it like this, "Would you, or perhaps Omar, want these discs as a gift?".

       He gave me an incredulous look and asked why I was "giving them away?"

       I said that I didn't like selling such things in my store….but I began to sense that he was struggling over whether to accept them or not, so I flippantly suggested, "give them to Omar."

       Now let me mention here that Omar and Ismael are related somehow and they live in a village some distance from the city. I assume that the village is quite traditional, with women in headgear and such; but that didn't deter me from my generous offer. I was on automatic pilot. I was determined that he take them….Anyway, I recalled that they enjoy leering and jeering at the women on the street, (especially macho Omar), so I figured what the heck? They'll enjoy them!
Omar is less traditional than Ismael. He is also a very big dude… big and strong, but usually easygoing and friendly. (He once put me in a bear hug and lifted my 93 kilos up like nothing.)
Anyway, Ismael took the movies from me, and said "I will give them to Omar. "Pleased with myself, I want back to work

       An hour went by; I had practically forgotten about the whole thing, when Ismael stormed into the shop , his black eyes seething through his  five o'clock shadow.

       "Tell me the truth Joe, and don't lie" he said…."Did you tell me to give those dirty movies to Omar, yes or no?"

       I stammered something about telling him to" take the dvds, and if not for youself, then give them to Omar…I think".

       "Don't lie to me Joe," you told me, " 'Give these to Omar, yes or no?'"

       "Ok, Ismael, that is possible, it could be that I said, "give these to Omar, that is entirely possible, but I'm not sure, my intention was to just get rid of them, and I told myself, the first FRIEND who walks in here, I will offer them to him…then…walla, you walked in! But then I remembered that you are a devout Muslim, so it entirely possible that I said on second thought, "give these to Omar", not really intending to give them to either YOU OR OMAR, in that simply…. you were the first person to walk in here….if you know what I mean…no insult intended, of course."

       "Ok, but remember what you said Joe," you said, "Give these to Omar".

       "That is possible Ismael, but my memory is a little foggy , entirely possible though…. no insult intended Ismael, really, and please, please tell Omar that".

       He stormed out, and I thought to myself, shit, I'm fucked!

       It didn't take long for the dreaded moment when Omar appeared, looming over my desk with a body language that spoke menace.

       "Did I ever ask you to give me pornography? Did I ever "place an order for pornography from you"??

       "No Omar, of course not, like I told Ismael, or better, what I think I told Ismael was, 'take these dvds and/or give them to Omar'….no insults intended, just friendship…I wasn't thinking of course"
I went through the whole scenario again with Omar , exasperated at this complete cultural misunderstanding….

       Feel free to bring them back, I offered.

       – That is impossible, I threw them into the trash!

       Then suddenly he smiled and kissed me on both cheeks with a bone-crushing hug, (The kiss of death? By this time I was sweating bullets and shitting bricks. Omar had once decked a policeman over an even pettier misunderstanding… and did time for it…the guy fears no one), and he said,
"I believe you Joe".

       "Jeez, thank you Omar, you had me there for a second!"

       Two days later I bumped into Omar. He seemed to be in a good mood, so I ventured to ask what the whole fuss had been about over the dvds. He told me that he had just gotten married to Ismael's sister, and that Ismael had been gravely insulted that he was "ordering" porno movies from me….
He went on to say they had had a fierce argument and that it wasn't any of Ismael's goddamn business even if he had ordered the dvds from me, and that he was master of his own house and the king of his own castle and he would watch a thousand porno flics if he wanted.

       He then winked at me and said that no, he didn't really throw the films away, and that he thoroughly enjoyed watching them, and that if I ever got any more, to call him straight away…but not to tell Ismael.

If any of you dear readers have any comments or suggestions please feel free to leave them here, Yosef